Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
