Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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