And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
