he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize