this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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