I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i think my mom watched the whole time
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
