Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
