I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
