my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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