If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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