remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
