you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
