I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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