i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
