The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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