I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
