you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
