not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
