I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
