I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You are the jesus of drinking
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
