After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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