I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
