Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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