Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
