Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
