bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
