I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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