woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
