We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So much Jack, so little girl.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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