I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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