sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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