i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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