i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
