Im at strip club and am horny
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
