You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
