Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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