it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
