I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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