I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
