Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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