I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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