the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
