Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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