hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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