shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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