God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
