Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
