she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize