true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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