I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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