my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize