tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
