piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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