Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
