I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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