Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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