i think i scared a bird with my dick
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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