I wish my penis had an off switch
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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