The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
