This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
