We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
