shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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