i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
