my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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