We're facebook friends in real life
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
