miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
