I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
