They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
