i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
